It Kills Slowly
by Violet Ophelia
Summary: Being hypothetical doesn’t change the facts: I'm already yours, if you could only open your eyes enough to see. Oneshot, Rikucentric, Non-AU, Shonen-ai. Mild language.


Author's note: Riku's POV. Non-AU. Shonen-ai. Rubbish oneshot. Sorta Kairi-bashing? IDK. Written at midnight, because it was eating my brain and I can't dedicate tomorrow to writing **PinkSkullCrossbones**'s giftfic if this is still buzzing around in there and generally being distracting. *mental image of me, poking a fly with a stick* That right thar is all the proof you need that it is indeed late and I am indeed tired :3 Make me happy and review my pretties *pats reviewers*

* * *

This is killing me.

Funny, how after everything I've been through (for you), all the things we saw, all the things you didn't see but I couldn't escape, this is what brings me to my knees. This is what makes me want to give up. There's nothing I can do to stop it, because this time there's no monster to defeat with you at my side. No physical problem.

But it's eating away at me, every day. Every hour. Every _second_ that I'm awake, and it haunts me into my dreams as well, more often than not. I can't ignore it, not any more. For months I've been pushing it to the back of my mind, because there was always some part of me that believed it would go away. Just a crush, right?

Wrong. If it was just a crush, it wouldn't make me feel hollow to see you smiling at her. I wouldn't be distancing myself from both of you, and only making it more likely for you two to start dating. I wouldn't be staying up until the early hours every single goddamn night, trembling from the realisation that this is _not going to go away_. How the hell has this crept up on me so fast? It wasn't too long ago that I was a normal, happy teenaged kid that was most decidedly _not_ hopelessly in love with his best friend. Best friend of the same gender, just to make that clear.

Is that even true, though? Has it crept up on me? Or have I been ignoring these thoughts for longer?

That time, before any of our little 'adventures' that got you hurt so many times, when we were naming the raft, do you remember? I told you I wanted to share a paopu with Kairi, before we raced? It wasn't true. I just thought you might like to know.

--

I never stood a chance though, did I? As soon as she arrived, you were besotted with her. I guess I might have been a bit as well, but you were like her shadow, so keen to please. Yes, I was jealous of her. But at that stage, I think it was still a 'you're stealing my best friend' jealousy to 'you're ripping out my heart by making him fall for you' type of thing.

For the first few weeks, any time we were together without her was filled with you _talking_ about her. I guess it was alright to begin with, because how often did new people our age come to the islands? Let alone someone as interesting as a girl who had practically no memories. After a while it got a bit grating, with your obvious puppy-love getting on my nerves. I know I might have been impatient with you then, I'm sorry.

It didn't take long for her to fit more or less perfectly into our friendship, though. We were the three best friends, always on the play island, always laughing. Any time I felt it wasn't fair you liked us equally as you'd known me for so much longer, I tried to stop the thought before it became too big to ignore.

My idea of building the raft was partially meant to block out those thoughts. Maybe if I was dedicating so much effort to something that could help her, I wouldn't feel so guilty about being jealous of her. Needless to say, that backfired. She was _oh so grateful_, and spent her time watching me and you building it for her. I noticed all the glances between you two, and pretended it wasn't real. At the time, I thought I was envious of you.

--

I've already apologised so many times for what happened next. Being in the Darkness is honestly the only thing in my life I have honestly wanted to erase completely from my memories. I hurt you with my words and my actions, even if they weren't truly mine. You've forgiven me so many times, told me it wasn't my fault. Even if I don't believe them, they're beautiful lies, made lovelier coming from you. Thank you for trying to cleanse me of my sins against you.

* * *

But _now_.

I'm so far past the point of denying my feelings for you that I wouldn't be able to see it with a telescope if 'the point' was a physical thing a thousand feet tall. You know how much I suck at metaphors, so don't laugh at that one.

I've completely fallen for you. Everything you do, just normal 'Sora behaviour', gives me nervous butterflies. Your smile, your laugh, the way you bestow random hugs when you think I look too sad... all of it is driving me _insane_. I have to make a decision, and I don't want to. I can tell you exactly what you do to me, and risk losing you, or just stay away from you, and definitely lose you. It's too much for me to take. I can't stay around you any more, it hurts too much.

I can't confess.

You two are made for each other. Like the sea and the sky, you reflect each other's happiness and... purity. The sky is fine, the sea is fine, the land is cracked and dirty and _wrong_. It's ironic that we all live up to our names, but we do.

You know, I actually considered telling you, for about a week. Kept thinking 'next time I see you'. But, I'm a _coward_ when it comes to things that really matter. I gave up after too many failed attempts.

Sometimes I wonder if she knows, and is doing it all on purpose. The constant flirting that only your adorably dorkish, oblivious self could miss. The innocent face, the ridiculous amount of effort I know she puts into... _seducing_ you! But she isn't. It's not seduction, you're already wrapped around her little finger, almost as much as I am around yours.

Besides, you'd be the perfect couple. Two sweet faces, two sweet personalities, even two pairs of blue-fucking-eyes. She's your reward, isn't she? You travelled all over the worlds, supposedly looking for your friends. But really, you only wanted one of us home. You only cared getting her home safe. Does she even know what you went through for her? Has she thanked you?

If it was me...

Being hypothetical doesn't change the facts, so I won't bother. As I am me, Riku, and Riku is hopelessly in love with you, (is this even making any sense?), I would do anything. Completely, literally, anything. Ask me for a star and I'll spend my life searching for one I can tie a little red ribbon on and give to you.

--

I considered being dramatic, and leaving a love letter on your doorstep or some other stupid crap like that. But why give an explanation when you clearly don't want one? I talked about leaving the islands before, and you acted like you could hardly care less. You were never one to hide your feelings. That's one of the things I adore about you, you have the confidence to be completely yourself.

I guess this is fairly dramatic, too. Leaving at night all mysteriously. I want to avoid a fake goodbye, because that would have to involve Kairi, crying like a drama queen and then complaining about her mascara running. Hugging me too tightly, asking why I was leaving. I wish I could at least say goodbye to you, make you realise I'm not going back to the Darkness. I'm hoping you know me well enough to trust I won't.

--

Two bags. A duffel and a rucksack, all my clothes and munny inside. No turning back, no remembering your tear-streaked face before, making me promise to never leave you- _no_.

I have to do this, to save my sanity and yours.

But... I have to see the play island first, soak up all the memories possible. The moonlight has sapped the world of colour, turning the sand silver and the trees black. I want to cry, as this is the last time I'll see this place. _I don't have to leave_, a small voice in my head tells me. I know it's lying.

* * *

_Looking back, I know I was being a complete idiot. At the time it seemed sacrificial and romantic, to leave so you could have the girl of your dreams all to yourself._

_No matter how much you argue otherwise, what happened then was nothing to do with me being smart, or wise, and everything to do with all the qualities I love you for, and how much I love you for them._

* * *

"Riku?"

I turn around at the sound of your voice. There you are, perfect timing as always, looking completely bemused as to why I'm here carrying bags.

Why are _you_ here? I notice your face is blotchy and wet. Why are you crying?

"Sora." The whole point of leaving now was to _avoid_ something like this.

I'm about to tell you everything, but I see you swaying and close my mouth in favour of catching you before you fall.

Your beautiful eyes gaze into mine. I'm falling for you again. I really can't take much more of this.

"Roxas is gone. I don't know..." Your voice trails off as I don't know what to tell you. This is another reason Kairi is great for you. Yet another thing that ties you together, another thing that bars me out. I don't have a Nobody, or the words to speak to you.

With a helpless look I hope you might remember when you're happily married to her, I let go of you and walk away.

You don't call me back.

--

But of course, I can't hurt you like that. I stay at a shabby motel on the mainland for less than a week before my willpower, always weak for you, fails and I'm back.

Neither of us talk about that night, because Kairi doesn't know and I don't think you want her to. She doesn't mention anything about Naminé disappearing, so Roxas leaving stays our secret.

I'm still in love with you. It still hurts.

--

You want to talk to me, so I agree to listen.

However, you don't do much talking, and much more staring at your hands. In the end you choke out one sentence before you lapse back into silence.

"I don't like Kairi, if you thought I did."

Oh. That changes things a bit.

--

I think Kairi's given up trying to win your affections.

You're left to wonder why she's so 'distant' suddenly.

--

I say your name in my sleep. You tell me this after I doze off on the train, right next to you.

--

You still have nightmares about the Heartless, where you wake up sobbing. I wish I could always be there to hold you like I am now, making the fear go away.

You pull away after the tears stop, blushing like crazy because boys aren't supposed to cry, aren't supposed to comfort each other like that.

I feel like screaming. You're so close, but so far away.

--

Kairi's flirting with Tidus now. You tell me this with a blank expression on your face, so I ask if you care.

"I don't like her. I told you that."

Then your eyes meet mine for a suspended moment, and I can't breathe. I lean forwards and kiss you, because I've waited too long and it's painful to hold back.

Your small hands are pushing my shoulders, trying to get me off you. I force myself to stop and move back, because no matter how much I need this from you I could never take any contact without permission.

We stare in silence for a minute, then two. I can't believe I just ruined everything, shattered the facade I worked so hard on maintaining.

But then I realise it's alright, because you wind your arms around my neck and kiss me again. And again, and again.

* * *

How was that for a sleep deprived mind? I know it says midnight at the beginning, but it's 4am now. Nah, didn't spend all that time writing it. I develop serious ADD when I'm tired, so I jumped around from writing to reading a book to reading a fanfic to being on deviantART to being on facebook (Seriously. I went on facebook. Some people were actually online).

Again, reviews make me happy.

And tomorrow (lol, later today XD) I should be posting more of Hellebores! Woo!


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